Visualising

I am reading Jon Gabriel's book and gradually coming to the place where I am going to try the visualisations he recommends.  For some reason, I have had a resistance to it and I am trying to dismantle that resistance.

Maybe it's because I am still holding on to the extra weight I have on me and losing it will mean dealing with the issues that caused it.

Maybe I am too damn lazy.

No, I think it's the former.

It means taking a real look at how I created this suit of armour to protect myself and why I created it. I don't want to bore anyone with the details really and I am also afraid to be really open about it all.

Peonies are in bloom right now. They're my favourite flowers.

I think I have to ease myself into this whole thing. I mean talking publicly about it. Somehow, though, I know that just the act of talking publicly might and probably will, dispel some of the negative stuff I have in my head a lot of the time. Mostly about myself. 

I have always found that talking about a problem seems to halve its impact.

So, here goes.  I think what Jon Gabriel says about putting on weight being related to high stress is extremely accurate. I also think he's right that it depends on the messages your subsconcious self is sending to your body. For me, it's the 'protect yourself because you're in danger' message.

Not literal danger but the kind of danger that my subconscious thinks is real.

I started to put on weight after a disastrous pregnancy that ended in a horrible miscarriage and 2 years of hormonal problems afterwards. Well, actually, it was longer than that but I was lactating for 2 years after the miscarriage!  My hair started to fall out, I gained weight and became clinically depressed. 

Some of it was due to the painful nature of the miscarriage ( I didn't realise I had 98% scar tissue in my womb making maintaining a pregnancy dangerous and painful) and some of it was due to the relationship I was in at the time.

The long and the short of it was that it ended any chances of me having children and it was also the end of the road for me in terms of feeling like I could have a good relationship.  At least that's how it felt then.

I don't want to dwell on the past but it's important to acknowledge this as the starting point of the weight problem.  

A nutritionist I saw last year asked me when I had started to gain weight and I told her and she said that this event would have triggered a stress related change in my hormones, increasing my cortisol levels, which, in turn, affect your insulin levels.  It makes you crave carbs, mostly at night. She asked me if I snacked a lot at night. YES. She asked me if I felt unsatisfied no matter how much I ate. YES.  Her answer to this was that I needed to get my insulin levels balanced out again  and the way to do that was to eat regularly but with fewer carbs, especially at night.  I did what she told me and, hey presto, she was right. I lost 28lbs in 4 months.

That was last year, when I was living with my sister in Canada and had a great support in eating healthily. Since I got back from there, I have gained back about 14lbs and realised that I needed to look more at the cause of my weight gain as well as the physical aspect of it.

So, that's it in a nutshell. I am working on dismantling my 'story' so I can move on and be healthy and fit again like I was before all this. Of course, being 20 years older doesn't help. But, no excuses, I am here to get real about this issue and share it with you.

Can you relate to what I am saying here?